Things That Chaff Isn't Allowed to Do
by PV equals nRT
Summary: Well, Chaff is a bit weird.  This is a list of things he learned not to do throughout the ages.  Part two is up.
1. Chapter 1

_**Special thanks to Zelda12343 for posting such a list up. It inspired me to make this!**_

_**Most of the jokes here aren't that…catchy. I know, and I'm sorry but I couldn't think of other stuff. But some of them are still good. I did 34. **_

_**Read, and review!**_

Things I, Chaff, am not allowed to do:

1. No head-diving on the stage. Haymitch will sue me. Tripping over my own foot is fine, though.

2. It's Peeta's job to kiss Katniss, not mine. It doesn't matter how pure she is.

3. Telling Enobaria that she needs braces is just asking for it. Also, never tell her it's unladylike to grin or tear people's flesh. Singing "All I Want for Christmas Are My Two Front Teeth" around her will get you in trouble too.

4. Whenever a tribute is about to fall into a pond of piranhas or a bunch of spikes or whatever, you shouldn't be screaming, "BELLY FLOP! BELLY FLOP!"

5. Don't even think about singing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" to Mags. She's not gonna chuckle with understanding; she'll take it the wrong way.

6. The morphlings don't do commissions. Sorry.

7. It's rude to ask Cashmere if her curls are natural or permed.

8. Never tell Lyme that she shares a name with Lyme disease. You'll end up as a "guinea pig". It's probably not worth showing her those lovely pictures of skin rashes you found online either.

9. Glimmer's corpse does not need plastic surgery. Gloss was very clear.

10. Starting an animal rights foundation will not get you many opportunities to meet and bond with other victors.

11. Brutus does not want to know about his namesake, the stupid guy who got power by kissing the floor (a.k.a. Mother Earth).

12. Don't invite your friends from alcoholic visions to your house. The Peacekeepers will mug you.

13. Teaching Beetee how to say "snot" in Chinese will only lead to unnecessary complications.

14. Suggesting to the sponsors that they buy alcohol for the tributes will get them to go home.

15. Speaking of tributes: the purpose of a tribute is to provide entertainment for the Capitol, not to eat your leftover scraps.

16. Playing "I Love You Because" with Lyme and telling her that you love her because she helps the door renovation/repair industry will only get you into trouble.

17. Calling people in the Capitol "Random Capitol Freak 101" makes them angry.

18. Breath mints are not a good birthday present to give to Snow.

19. Team Peeta does not provide free cake.

20. Team Chaff, on the other hand, provides free beer.

21. No one wants free beer.

22. Cashmere is not a Barbie girl.

23. Gloss and Enobaria aren't either.

24. By the loosest definition, Brutus is NOT a Barbie girl.

25. Stacking a few lime-flavored ice cream scoops, sticking pretzels on the sides as hands and giving the whole thing to Lyme is not a nice gift. Don't add, "Enjoy _yourself_!"

26. Pepper spray will not fend off Finnick.

27. Turning on a metronome and putting it in a dark place will immediately set everyone into Code Yellow distress. (Code Yellow: Bomb attack)

28. The capital of District 2 is the Nut, not Sparta.

29. Asking Lyme if she has a Nut Museum in her house will end up with you trying to teach and explain Connecticut's history.

30. Making Finnick lifeguard of a pool of fan girls may result in serious consequences.

31. Seeder's bird feeders are for birds, not Chaffs.

32. Cashmere and Enobaria will dress up boys in girls' clothes.

33. They don't do that for guys older than 21. Exceptions are made if you're really cute.

34. I am not really cute. And I never was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Never Imagined a Part Two...34 Yet again. **

Second List of Things Chaff Is Also Not Allowed to Do:

1. Hold out my hands when Snow falls out a hovercraft and say, "It's snowing!"

2. Enobaria does not stalk me because she loves me.

3. None of the Careers do.

4. While riding a horse when you're drunk is legal in Eleven, drunk driving in the Capitol is illegal.

5. When a dog barks, I must not call Woof and say to him, "A hundred messages incoming!"

6. I must not give Cecelia a pamphlet on parenting.

7. English cooking will not be a weapon.

8. When the Gamemakers pass around the suggestions box, it's rude to put in, "Cancel the Games."

9. iPads, iPhones, or iTouchs will never be in the Cornucopia.

10. Even if they were, Cato would not be addicted to Angry Birds and forget about killing you.

11. Just because I spent time with Brutus does not mean that he will refrain from killing me.

12. If Cato starts tearing his hair out, it is because he is angry, not because he decided to go monk.

13. If I want to go bald, I should use the Capitol barber service, not Cato's free baldness treatment.

14. Speaking of baldness…I should not put balding cream in Cashmere's conditioner.

15. I must not tell Team Peeta that they do not get free cake.

16. I may not write muttsxhuman fanfics, nor may I find them and share them with everyone.

17. Crack pairings are out of the question.

18. Especially if they involve me.

19. I must also not ask tributes, "Team Peeta or Team Gale?"

20. I must not give Enobaria a fake dentist appointment warning and then be the dentist and pluck out all her teeth.

21. When Cashmere is shopping, I must not tag along and say to her when we pass the cashmeres section: "Cousins of yours?"

22. It is rude to dress up as a Capitolian and scare tributes.

23. Running towards Cashmere, screaming, "Cashmere! The goats' rights foundation is about to take you away!" gets annoying.

24. I should not spray Gloss with a high gloss spray. No matter his name.

25. When I am drinking with Haymitch, I must save some drinks for him, or he will throw stuff at me.

26. It is not my job to ruin the innocence of the new victor each year, it's the Capitol's job.

27. Math traps where you have to answer a math problem correctly will not be in the arena.

28. Don't tell artistic tributes to paint still life at the Cornucopia.

29. If I beat the escort and then dress up just like her, the Capitol will find out, and I will be punished.

30. Telling the tributes to be antiviolence and make friends with everyone will result in their death.

31. If I'm on a Victory Tour, and someone hands me a bunch of flowers, I must not eat them to impress the little kids. Because Seeder and my tributes will be forever scarred.

32. When the District 10 people hold an exhibition of meat, I must not begin promoting tofu meat and start talking about the unhealthiness of real meat.

33. President Coin is the president of District 13, not a super rare coin. She will not fit in my mint album.

34. If I leave lists of what I plan to do (and get banned at), they will be taken away to the deepest dungeons of the Capitol.

**I was thinking about a "What not to do for the Games" and How to Annoy Careers, but I just decided not too. **

**For the Coin one, I was thinking that Chaff has heard of Coin, but never met her. Through Rebels. **

**Should I do part three?**


End file.
